There were a lot of things I had to come to terms with this year. I started to seriously reflect this past semester on the friendships I have made in the past four years and what each of them means to me. It struck me one day, that there are some people I had allowed myself to get so close to, only to find out that our values were so far away from one another. I scratch my head wondering how in the world I had let that happened. Had I changed this much? Or were these issues here all along and I had allowed myself to ignore them until now? And there are the people who I only ever talk about the same mundane academic topics with--who is going where for med school, who won what award, when is that next thesis assignment due---what kind of relationships are these really? And then, there are those few individuals that I do go back to, who I feel so comfortable being around, but I usually see them a few times a year. So what am I trying to say? There is a vulnerable side to my personality that I never discovered until now. All my life I have been driven to achieve the independence that my mother had drilled into my head--successful in my career with family members who care. But when those family members are dispersed across the globe and I was left truly independent, I headed in the direction of my friends, only to realize that I felt so alone. I remember how I used to argue with my brother, trying to push him to do better in school so that he could be successful. Now I only see how content he is, how strong his relationships are, how he manages to prioritize his life in that sense, and it makes me feel a bit sorry for myself.
Another issue I have spent this year confronting is my fear of confrontation. Being in OL was only the start of it all. When OFYP was finally done with me, I was set loose to utilize the leadership training I had gained, and it's been hard. Teaching students...leading pre-med students....so many challenges have been posed. Slowly, painfully, I think I'm learning to overcome it. The self-respect I do have for myself is becoming visible, because sometimes it is better to be honest and to stick to your values. Because at the end of the day, people are going to respect you a lot more for your fairness and your ability to represent what you stand for. Because it is impossible to please everyone around you. Probably the hardest lesson I have had to learn in college, and it's definitely not over yet. Sometimes I wish technology didn't exist, because it's only made this worse. By coming up with faster, more efficient ways of communication, we take away the facial expressions and human interactions that come with having a conversation. When you're in someone's face, it's hard for them to avoid you. When they avert their eyes, you know what it means. But when they can choose to easily brush aside an email for days, it can be incredibly frustrating and ambiguous.
In comparison to all that I have talked about, school seems so irrelevant now. I no longer want to measure my self-worth by the grades I earn, because what do they actually say about my character? Not much. I've met plenty of genuine kind people as well as total assholes who have the same gpa. It doesn't mean too much to me anymore. But unfortunately, academia dictates that I must follow through so that the bachelors can be earned. So alas--time to return to the books.
